It’s 12.29 on a very rainy Sunday. I don’t want to write today. It’s surprising that I don’t because I typically love nothing more than writing on a rainy day. Alas, I’ve just lost my grandmother and things that are usually typical are not so typical right now.
Like yesterday for example. It was Saturday - the day we all typically call up to see nan, grab a bowl of stew from the pot and catch up with everyone. (And here come the tears again). I just really miss her.
It doesn’t matter how many tools we have in our box, there is no escaping the sadness and emptiness that comes with the passing of someone that we love. I’m familiar with those feelings and working through them, but never in the context of grief related to death. It’s really tough, isn’t it?
I’ve discovered that we automatically shift into suppressing the pain and the hard emotions. This has been a bit of a revelation for me. For a long time I’ve blamed myself for suppressing uncomfortable emotions - I think I believed that I had a choice. And the choice I was making was the unhealthy one - to shut them down. But no, actually. I’ve learned through the passing of nan that it’s not a choice, it literally happens automatically. It’s so easy to keep busy - like scarily so.
Our brains and bodies are so clever. They know pain is uncomfortable so they will shift us into fight or flight - full of adrenaline to take on the world, keep us busy and keep us from feeling pain (Emotional pain is a threat to our bodies - hence the fight/flight activation). During my 7 years in therapy, I’ve learned that we have to go looking for our pain so we can bring it up and let it go. Or else, it stays stuck in the body which leads to all sorts of emotional, mental and physical illness.
Some time ago I started scheduling the words “Process emotions” on my calendar - a weekly event for 1 hour where I sit down and journal, breathe into my body and let up anything that’s hanging around and is uncomfortable. I don’t always get to it, and when I don’t my body will eventually remind me. Usually it’s a pain in my shoulder, lower back or this feeling that I get of just being really fed up, heavy and down.
Then I’ll sit down to journal, cry, breathe etc and I’m all good again (Until the next time, obviously). Sometimes it’s really hard because the emotions are too hard to face. And that’s where I’m at right now.