I read somewhere once that when we start implementing boundaries with people (having been completely boundaryless for years), the reason they’re unhappy is because we’ve murdered the old version of ourselves - the one they liked. Now, the reason they liked the old version is typically because they were gaining from our lack of said boundaries. Makes sense. Top tip - know your boundaries and implement them instantly with new people / situations. In other words, start as we mean to go on…
Those of us without boundaries are usually people pleasers. But people pleasers are not to be applauded, we are typically master manipulators (and benefiting from having no boundaries ourselves). No one works harder for others than an insecure person who needs to be validated. But we’re not doing it because we’re kind, empathetic, loving individuals - we’re doing it because we need the validation. I did this for years. People pleasing is basically an unhealthy coping mechanism born from having no boundaries and no idea what a boundary even is. And like any unhealthy coping mechanism, it’s for survival. Obviously this is rooted in past experiences and environments but we’ll keep the deep stuff for another day. Abandonment (in all it’s forms) is part of the root cause of this too, but again, another day.
There’s a really interesting practice that was first taught to children with down syndrome about how to recognise and protect their personal physical space. The picture above is a great visual aid of how it works. It’s now used across the board to teach children about boundaries. If you’re a millennial like me, you’ll know that we were never taught this stuff. We were to be seen and not heard. I often notice how people within a certain age bracket will force hugs on other people because, well, we all had absolutely no idea about the importance of boundaries. And let’s be clear here, a hug isn’t always a genuine show of affection. A lot of the time the people who are forcing the hug on another person are desperately in need of physical touch or the power that comes with disrespecting others boundaries. I’ve had many a boss who constantly tried to force hugs on me. Like fuck off. The pandemic was a blessing when working for the HSE. Like how is a grown man or woman with a family out here trying to hug people they barely know? Jesus like.
I had a situation once with a boss who always stood about 2 inches from my face when talking to me. It took me addressing this several times, explaining the above concept and finally shouting RED CIRCLE for him to get the fucking hint…